Wednesday, November 19, 2014

my life and where im going ....


Lately I'm not sure where I'm going, where im headed or even of the choices ive made.  I know i want to go to college and i know that i have to pay off one school before i can even get into another....i just have no idea what to major thinking interior design with a minor in business management so that one day i can run my own business and hopefully be as successful as i dream about....
i know i want to do ROTC so that i can become an officer in the ARMY but i also know that if im wanting to do that i might as well go 20 and hit retirement. i just hope not all of this pops smoke and goes into flames bc i always feel like im taking a 90 degree hard right when i should just be merging into the left lane.....

I also know that i want a life to share with someone.
im tired of feeling alone and unwanted, and the scary part is, is that i am so loyal and independent to myself that i dont know why i have this urge to be something with someone.  Its almost as though i just want to be able to provide and make someone happy.  To know that im loved as much as i love them. to finally say im heading somewhere and someone is supporting me and backing my decisions and that they believe in everything i believe in but bc they love me. I just miss the feeling of being loved rather then being lusted after.  I think everyone gets to that stage and you just wake up one day and notice all the people around you that seem interested but this time when you look at them you see they are only interested in you for what they sexually desire.  they arent wanting a life with you just something to occupy the down time in there life until they get bored and move on.  so with that said i want someone here to love me and make me feel like i could honestly be happy with for a very long time...someone that i wont waste my time on...someone to build a future with but i know it takes work and i know it takes time its just my impatient side keeps telling me to screw the one said there was a manual for this stuff so for all i know i could fall in love with someone ive never even met ......
well a good thing is that i finally have an amazing job that i absolutely love and they are very relaxed with my military schedule.  i work as an event coordinator at LP Field...aka Titans Stadium in downtown nashville... the pay is awesome and the staff is just the loveliest bunch of people ive ever encountered.  I can honestly say i dont dislike a single one of them lol 
we get to see all sorts of amazing events and meet all kinds of people from everywhere with all kinds of opportunities to expand my connections in nashville....and i get tons of freebie items from the venues that come and participate in the events we host :)

i did finally get a car by the way!  Its a 2003 jetta GLS and its to die least for me considering i went almost 6 months without a vehicle and im 22 so thats pretty ridiculous.  But its running strong and gets great gas mileage so i just might be a VW addict now! and yes i named my car like a typical girl although my car is a boy and his names Jasper hahaha

I did go to NY up to the fort drum area to see a guy i was dating back in October....well maybe dating isnt the word for it but more like talking to...we really were just trying to see how things would go and i stayed for about 2 and a half weeks.  Things were awesome and i got to see so many things, but between him and i things just wouldnt work out...he wanted a relationship as did i but the distance was more than we bargained for and we came to the conclusion that we would be better off just as we i mean he did, outta no where and after we spent 3500 between the 2 of us....lesson to be learned is dont drive 20 hours to see a guy unless you have the title and they are willing to do the same for you...i think this can fall into the category offfffff "i do everything i can for someone i care about and they do nothing for me butttt i feel like i must fix that and i ignore the signs only to get hurt and then blame myself bc im the idiot who read it all completely wrong"..anyone else have that category??? .i did however go to the Military Ball with him and we went to Niagara Falls so i did have an absolute blast in the end ....
Plus NY is gorgeous this time of year


Halloween was awesome this year!!!!! for the first time ive actually dressed up and done something....normally i dress in normal clothes, go to a bon fire and get drunk with friends....and im not saying that there is a problem with that only that im worn out on the whole idea entirely.  This year i went down on thursday to see a friends band play and just did the normal sugar skull im sure everyone saw plenty of this past year....friday night i went out and bar hopped with a huge group of friends as wonder woman and then went to a house party where another one of my friends bands were playing.  i didnt really do much but i had an absolute blast actually getting out and doing something and seeing the holiday in a different retrospect then normal history might have taught me 

 I guess its time i can finally share with everyone all the writings from my journal ive done recently and yes there are quite a few but for some reason ive definitely been on a roll with my poetry or saying and little random scribbles so here goes nothin'

"A countdown.
Thats all anything ever really is
we countdown the minutes and hours until the days over with
we countdown the days until the weekend
the weeks until the next month,
and the months until the next year.
We countdown to our birthdays
we countdown to when we can see people again
and we countdown until the holidays are here.
So instead of counting down to the day we die,
how about we just live in the moments we're given
Look at whats in front of us instead of where we'd like to be
then maybe we could appreciate life just a little bit more"

"you ever meet someone? Just meet them? And suddenly you cant imagine a life without them.  Your soul recognizes their soul, and sees a part of you within them.  Its like getting the perfect combination of ice cream toppings in one bite, you cant just repeat that feeling again..."

"I hate being the strong girl.  The one who doesnt cry.  The one whos there for everyone else.  The one who everyone thinks is perfectly happy and that nothing could get them mad.  I hate how nobody notices how torn apart and broken i am."

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