Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Finding Myself....

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”
                                                - John Burroughs


I can never get enough of life right now....I honestly felt like I was doing everything wrong a month ago when GUY broke up with me.  He could easily be the first guy I've fallen for in a long time and it happened so quickly that I personally can say that I didn't even know I had.  I knew I loved him but I didn't know I was falling IN love with him.....BIG difference in the two statements.  But love and hurt go hand in hand sometimes and you have to play the game to find out if you win or lose.  Now if you would have asked me a month ago which category I would place myself into, my response WOULD HAVE been that I had lost.  I lost the game, I lost the guy I loved and I lost a part of myself and didn't know what I was going to do........ Typical girl statements, I know.  I decided that while everyone went on leave for the holidays and I was staying here that I would focus on myself.  It wasn't really a planned out sorta thing.  More or less I woke up one day decided to go to the library, then went to goodwill and bought some records....next thing I know, I'm downtown applying for a job at THE ROW.  I would like to say I got hired within 15 minutes and now host and waitress for the restaurant and pub, and that I love every single thing about this job.  I love the people, and the music.  The live bands and the customers we receive.  It's located in Nashville near mid town, or for those that aren't locals....it's near Vanderbilt and college town hahahaha.....

But back to the main idea of this ramble......I'm not sure exactly what happened but I just realized that all I wanted to do was work.  I didn't care what anyone at all was doing.  All I knew was that I needed to be at work and if their was a shift available, I wanted it.  That is pretty much how my life has been going, along with my etsy picking up a little here and there....bills finally starting to get paid off....meeting amazing people who make me smile....knowing that I'm not having to worry about anything but work and sleep.  I guess that in making it to where I have NO TIME for anyone else, I found time for myself.  When I'm not at work it's too late to go out or too early for anyone to be awake so I have to find things to occupy myself....like painting, going to the Village and walking the streets, sitting at diners and eating at places I didn't know existed, going to hidden shops, or libraries and reading in nooks, drinking coffee at local shops and just exploring my city since I never have. I finally realizing who I am as a person and becoming myself....I'm not dressing to fit into the click I'm around and honestly I never realized I ever did that to begin with.  I simply have noticed that my style is nothing like what it's been but it suites me and I love it in every way possible.

Maybe I'm selfish.  Maybe I'm depressed and don't see it.  But honestly I would rather spend hours alone and having fun in my own head, then being around a ton of people and feeling like I have to have an input, I have to entertain, I have to hear about things I simply don't care about and to feel as though I'm running through life.  Sometimes a nice stroll through the park; instead a full sprint through it, is nice.  I'm learning about me.  I'm becoming my own best friend and with loving myself means I'll know exactly what I want in another person.  Yes, I miss Mark, my friends and family and everyone else but at the end of the day my mind still says that I didn't miss anything and i was productive.  I didn't worry about someone else, I simply went and explored and roamed the town.  I went and worked.  I made money and I'm one step closer to getting back into college.

I think that when I'm finally able to go back to school I may go somewhere that's far away.  Not out of the state mostly because of where I'm still in the Army National Guard, but somewhere that's a little bit of a drive from home and all my friends that I'm use to being around.  Not to be rude or to run away but so that I can keep growing as an individual and learning even more about me.  Because frankly at the end of the day, I can't say I really know who that is.......



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