Sunday, December 27, 2015

To my parents ...

So for a lot of people that know me, you know I come from a family whose parents divorced when I was a kid and then later on my father remarried.  And this video I came across on YouTube really really touched home with me.  maybe I'm just all in my feels about stuff because of the holidays but it brought up a lot of things I've never said and I should have already at this point in my life.  So with that said it's time for a vent session on my part.

How my parents divorce came about never really settled easy with me.  I was always a daddy's girl and always trying to get his attention in any way possible.  Whether that be music, sports or even helping in the garage...I just wanted to feel like I was wanted.  I'm not saying I never was but it was very obvious to me even as a child that my brothers always seemed to get more "daddy time" then me,  I was upset and mad and angry all the time that I just couldn't live with my dad after my father moved out.  I wanted to be where he was and I was so angry at my mom because I was a child and didn't understand what exactly was happening to my life.  I felt like I had to play nice, to throw a smile on and try and be content with the way things were but it never failed that my outspoken and very loud personality would shine through and everything I felt came pouring out.  I cried a lot.  Mostly in the shower because then no one would know, but also when I didn't get my way.  Yes, part of that was because I was a child and that's what children do but the other part was because I tried to act so long like nothing bothered me that it would just come pouring out.  I'd say stuff like "I don't care" or "it doesn't matter" or even yell "I hate you " to my parents just so they could feel the hurt that I was feeling.  I was what you can say a horrible angry child that through her thoughts and feelings at anyone around her.  

But then God brought another amazing light into my life.  He knew I was lost and mad at the world.  He knew my parents were so wrapped up in their own personal vendettas at the time that they didn't always see what was going on with me.  And in walked Robin my soon to be step mother.  I liked her instantly!  She did art stuff like me, played softball like me, wrestled with me (which led to a biting story that's always mentioned when covering how much of a little shit I was) but she was always there.  She let me start going to church with her and sometimes I'd get the surprise of Smoothie King or Starbucks if we had time.  We'd listen to music and talk and sing and dance, and before I knew it I found someone who I considered to be one of my closest friends.  In her eyes I was merely a child of the guy she was dating, but in mine I saw someone I could rant too or talk to her about why my dad was making me upset without having to hear 40 other negative comments about him.  My parents held a grudge for a long time and Robin was like my escape from that.  I always wanted to ride with her anywhere she went and soon she became my biggest supporter. 

you brother both played baseball so I played softball.  We all were very good players but my brother Austin had the fire behind it.  He lived and breathed baseball and it was just a passion that you couldn't hep not see!  Soooo when it came to game days and we all had to play, my dad was at Austins game.  My was watching Lane because he's the baby and they'd come watch me here and there.  But I mostly noticed the fact they weren't there rather then they were.  Well, here comes Robin into our lives and BOOM...she's always on the bleachers or at the fence.  I was excited when I did well because I could see her say YES under her breath or just smile.  She never had to yell and I didn't need that for approval.  I just wanted someone to watch me other then casually come check and hope they hadn't missed me bat.  I later got fed up with softball and decided to try out basketball since no one else played it.  The topic came up about how would I get to games or practices if it interfered with baseball games and scheduling.  That's when I saw her put her foot down.  Robin took up for me and she said she would take me and get it worked out. She understood why I always asked my parents before every game if they were going to watch and she saw how MY sport was always pushed to the side like it was less important.  

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea...I have great an amazing parents but in some aspects of life they just didn't see it from a child's point of view or how a kid would interpret it, but Robin sorda did.  Maybe not all the time but she did see me and how it bothered me and with that said, I'm so very grateful.  So now I have a few sections I want to dedicate to my parents...all 3 of them.  This video sort of hit home in a few areas and has made me feel the need to express some things.

Daddy- I want to thank you for always believing in me.  Always pushing me to do better.  Always telling me that I can do anything I set my mind to and for accepting Robin into your life which led her into mine.  I know that nothing ever goes the way we always would like sometimes but in the end God had a different plan for you.  One that didn't involve my mom being there throughout your entire life, and that's ok.  I know that no matter where I am in life and no matter what I do, you'll always be there with hard words of honesty and thick words of encouragement.  You're my inspiration to join the military.  To keep pushing forward no mater what I may be faced with because I've seen you get knocked down so very hard and come out with the very best.  So thank you for being the role model I've needed to help make me who I am.

Momma- You know I'm always going to be your baby girl.  I use to be angry to be disappointed and upset with the way things went but now I'm simply proud of you.  I'm proud that no matter how shitty you may think your life is sometimes that you always fight through the day and push out to the other side.  You always have hope and faith that it's going to get better and that it'll all work out the way God wants.  That you accepted Robin into our very messed up family (that being both yours and dads side) and that you value her opinion in our lives now.  I know sometimes life can be tough and especially when you feel all alone but just know you never are.  You always have Austin, Lane and myself a no matter what.  I know that no matter what time of the day or night it may be, that if I'm crying I can count on you to answer and make me feel better or that when I'm sick you will still act like I'm 12 and want to bring me soup and Gatorade and even go to the Dr. with me, I love you and always will, people make mistakes but mistakes help you learn. So thank you,  for showing me that it's never too late, and that giving up is for the weak, that people are humans and we aren't perfect and we make mistakes but that you just have to learn from them and accept your flaws and be the adult to finally say sorry. I love you and I'm so thankful you're my mother!

Robin- tweet! tweet! ohhh too sooonnnn?  I know you love that song so very much though! Anyhow, thank you!  For being my best friend as a kid when I just wanted someone to make me feel like they were in my corner.  To take the time to teach me new things and deal with my annoying 80 questions about why but why but why.  To help mend the relationship with not only my dad but also my mom.  To mend the relationship between them both and ease the tension when it wasn't your job.  But mostly to help create my relationship with God.  For those days you let me fill in for your softball league and then let me tag along at Buffalo Wild Wings for the after party with the team.  For driving me where I needed to go when I needed a ride, or the one I wanted to call when I was in the motorcycle wreck (because let's be honest, mom would've passed out and dad would've been pissed) for being the one I talked to about bailing me out of jail, or the first one I told about being put on probation.  To helping me financially anytime I've needed it and every other step along the way that I've managed to completely screw up....but at the end of all that saying "you're gunna get it one day, you're gunna get it.  and when you do I expect to be fully taken care of"  You never had to stay around, you never had to take on everything you did.  You could've probably found some bachelor with 0 children that were the spawn of satan and had a completely less stressful life the last 14 or something years.  We've come along way from you being the fun sucker we despised at first to becoming someone I can always count on just like my mother and father.  You are my other mother and even though you never had kids of your own I'm glad to say you've adopted me as such. So thank you for always being here for me, my voice of reason and my role model of self sustainability.

and before I start crying more I love each and every one of you.  Without having 3 parents I wouldn't be who I am today, and if I wasn't the messed up over analytical, OCD, army girl, emotional wreck of a person that I am then I just don't think my life would be as adventurous or humorous to live.  I wouldn't be me and not being me is something that would be no fun.  I love being honest and open, forgiving and caring, blunt and firm and for always seeing the best in people even when I know its a weakness.  I wouldn't be me if I couldn't play guitar and do art, or travel and not look back.  I wouldn't be me if I didn't know my family was always going to be there supporting me and pushing me to fly high even if they knew I was going to fall and come back crying and wanting help.  because you all believe in me,,, You all believe in Austin and Lane and you guys never hold us back from our dreams or wishes.....although dad likes to point out how stupid they might be.....but I still do what I want (that's another trait from you dad, just by the way) 

1 comment:

  1. I am very happy to know that you get it! You understand all this and my choices have not stopped you from being you. I am proud that you do not see me as a weak father without compassion and that you get it! My hardness is to show you strength to carry yourself through your very own life. I wish you would make different choices but I love that you make your own choices and truly appear to be learning from them now. You are my little butterfly and in the strong wind you just keep fling.....even if it does blow you off course or even far away from me. I know that you just keep on flapping your wings and you find your way right back where you need to be. Just because you cry it does not make you weak! It means you have feeling in your heart....and that is strength! I also cry when no one can see me! I love my baby girl. You are my one and my only daddy's girl. Even though you never thought I was watching you...I was watching honey! I was spread very thin in those days but you had many talents like baton and art! You had my full attention early on. But I see from your eyes now how it felt to you! The three of yall have taught me how to be a father. And I your father to the end little butterfly!